Over and Out.

This blog originally began as a thread over at forum.preys-world.com that ran for a couple of years until the folder in which it resided was populated by only me, and was eventually closed down as part of the admin there tidying things up. I popped on over here and have used it as my hollering point for another couple of years, and it’s served me well. I never had a huge amount of traffic (though I was surprisingly popular in Brazil) and never got into the whole “community” aspect of it with linking to other people’s posts and tagging things and putting up pictures and all that shit. I posted here because it was faster and more anonymous than leave handwritten psychotic scrawlings everywhere and I couldn’t afford an old-fashioned typewriter. The posts on here encompass my life mainly in the seven or eight months after finishing college before dwindling to a few moans and rants about my still current job.

A few days ago the fine deviants of Preys World had a little State of the Forum talk and decided that the blog folder should be reopened, so I’ve got my old avenue of blogging back. I’ve decided to discontinue this blog and head on over back there purely because I’m more likely to post there and I’m on it every day anyway. It also allows me to talk more easily to a bunch of freaks I’ve known for years rather than the sporadic and anonymous people on here.

You’re all more than welcome to check out the new blog, Another Reminder Of Fatness, at http://forum.preys-world.com/viewtopic.php?f=34&t=30112. I should give a heads up that the only way to view that particular folder is to actually sign up, just for the privacy of other members. I know nobody will, but you’re welcome to all the same.

Peace out,

Johny.

My cousin died.

Things have been a bit fucked up over the past week or two, my cousin died a couple of days ago after a heart attack brought on by a life of good booze and presumably better drugs. One of the paramedics at the scene wanted to pronounce him dead there and then but the other fought against it. After a few days in a medically induced coma they took him off the ventilator and he had what I’ve been told was a peaceful death.

I didn’t really know him at all, being a fair bit older than me and normally not present at any family get togethers. It was strange, being at a rosary for someone who was largely a stranger yet most of the people there were family. Between my uncle dying a few months ago (suicide, which I don’t think I mentioned, mostly due to lacking either the time or the inclination) and now this it’s been a rough patch for everyone. Mostly it’s made me aware that time is slipping by, that the people I grew up with as a child and whom I considered more or less immortal because they could never be anything but were slowly but surely getting older. Eventually it’s not going to be the fringes of my large extended family that will bite the dust, eventually it’s going to be someone who’s house I slept over at as a child, who told me stories and whose kids I played with at parties and the like. One day I’m going to have to carry the coffin of someone I well and truly care about, and they’re not all going to be afforded the choice of suicide or relative quickness of a heart attack, there’ll be illness and wastage instead. Far too soon my family is going to shrink, and we’ll ask less how people are and talk more about how they were.

My cousin leaves behind more than a half dozen kids, with five mothers to look after them. He’s lying in a coffin right now with a Celtic strip emblazoned with the names of all his children. He’s wearing jeans, Timberland boots, and a pair of Family Guy boxers with “womaniser” ön the waistband. He was in his thirties. I should have known him better.

100th post: Police stops, half cut clubbing, and looking like a bouncer.

Another gap in posts, tried to sit down and write about a half dozen times but never got the peace to do so. But today is my day off and everyone is either out or in bed after a night shift so I figured I’d grab what little chance I have for some proper quiet to get all this typed up.

Had one of my rare nights out to a club the weekend before last, as is normal my memories are rather hazy, what I do remember after the bottle of Jack Daniels before we all left to go out was the police stopping us on the way to the train station, asking me what it was I had in my still mostly full plastic pint glass, to which I replied: “Whiskey, sambuca, tequila, vodka, some poofy fruit juice and a wee bit of cola on top to darken it.” Either they didn’t believe me or I had the good fortune to bump into the soundest polis in Scotland because I walked away with it still in hand.

The club itself was the usual medley of rock tunes that I’d either never heard of before or was too drunk to recognise, a man emploring me to “just kiss his fuckin’ burd man” and minor flashbacks of a ginger chick with big tits and a chest piece.

Through beer-goggles she might just have looked like this. But probably not, let’s face it.

Next thing I remember is standing outside, lost from everyone I went with who all appeared to have had a rammy with the bouncers and got chucked out, missing my last bus and weighing up the pros and cons of getting either a taxi or walking home 30-odd miles like you only can while completely smashed. Eventually a little kernel of common sense made itself known and I opted for a taxi instead. Walking to the rank I heard some skinny dude who looked like he would’ve lived in a Berghaus jackets were this 2007 asking if one of the drivers would take them to the town right next to mine. Operating on “close enough” logic I told the guy I was going to share the taxi with him. Yes, told. Woops.

He shouted on his two mates who were busy trying to proposition another driver and we all piled into the back of a Hackney cab and were merrily on our way. The taxi dropped me off first, and the three guys decided they’d pay my fair as they thought I was a bouncer! For £50 in my pocket I wasn’t going to correct them.

And… that’s about it. Other than that I’ve been working away and reading The Walking Dead comics. Three cheers are in order however as this is offically the 100th post I’ve made on this little blog. Not too bad I’d say!

Dream a little dream

Has it been nearly ten days already since my last post? Time seems to fly by when you’ve been stuck on never-ending backshifts for over a week with a single day off, and still another two more days to go! That sums up pretty much everything I’ve been doing, with the addition of more seems as I get home when everyone else starts to go to bed and I’ve developed an aversion to staying up until five in the morning (today being an exception) downstairs in the living room watching movies or whatever.

One thing that has happened due to getting in a few more hours sleep is that I now have a lot more semi-lucid dreams, including an unfortunate one where I was driving around and got lost at night in a town that seemed quite nice and seaside-y but I had no idea how to navigate. On this rainy evening I pull into a parking space behind some a block of flats and two guys try to steal my car, a scuffle occurs, and one of them gets a kicking while the other gets run over as I make good on my getaway. Another involved an old flame making an unwanted visit culminating in me realising that I was dreaming, saying “fuck you” in the dream and deliberately waking myself up. The longer I try to sleep the more likely it is the dream will eventually turn to shit.

I’ll leave you to interpret that, I’m off to bed.

Self-motivation, sackings, and snackings.

First day back at work today, felt like I’d both been away forever and no time at all. Found myself for the first time ever sitting in the car park with exactly three minutes to spare, my eyes closed and having to will myself to turn off the car engine and go into that god forsaken cunt of a place. Nothing had changed, not that I really expected it to given that I’d only been off for a week. Tell a lie, there was a difference: one of the guys in my team got sacked, and I’m not all that pleased about it.

The guy in question (who I think I named here ages ago, but I can’t be arsed hunting it down now) had given out a few free upgrades to friends and family members, got caught, and got thrown out the door. It was a rather naughty thing to do, but it seemed largely like an excuse to get rid of him, given that someone who was doing the exact same solely to profit from it (and wreaked havoc with people’s bills as a result) was apparently going to get another chance if only he hadn’t been a bit of a cunt in the disciplinary. As a general rule of thumb: Fucking the People = Bad, Fucking the Man = Not so Bad. That’s in my book anyway. If a multi-billion pound company loses a few pennies due to a couple of employees giving out things to friends while still raking in money as part of subscriptions and more than likely tying those same people into new twelve month contracts just to get their fancy new DVR then I’m not going to shed a tear. Sure it was his own fault, but now some guy is left without a job in a really fucking shitty job market with no good references and more than a years hole in his employment history to justify, idiocy on all sides.

You might be able to tell that I’m not too chuffed to spend my days sitting in front of a PC all day listening to cunts, even sitting in front of a PC all day playing computer games was better. My voice has slowly been returning, now sounding more like a shit Billy Connolly impersonation that anything else, but still has the habit of breaking at the most inconvenient times, usually when a cutie from customer services is walking by or I’m having to explain in detail why someone is an idiot. The lowest point of today however had to be the woman who called up shouting that her internet was slow/intermittent/wanted to cancel/unhappy/blah/piss/moan. She hadn’t called up in the last six months, she was entirely wrong about everything she was determined she was right about, and I fixed the problem and hold a slight glimmer of hope that she feels like the cow she is. But all that is par for the course, what really annoyed me was the fact she opened up a packets of crisps and started eating them on the call. One of my real pet hates. Some of you might think it’s an overreaction, but imagine this already arrogant fucking arsehole slobbering and chewing and panting and blowing out through their nose as you’re trying to fix the mild problem they’ve treated like scurvy of the clit or something, and they’re doing it right in your ear. Was determined not to let it bug me, really I should’ve either told her to quit filling her usually cock filled gob for five minutes or just hung up. I’m just rusty after having been off for a while, normal service shall resume tomorrow!

Look, here’s another post!

I’ve got a week off of work, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Since Monday I’ve come down with what seems to be the flu minus the feeling mightily shit part, probably brought on by all the plaster dust hovering in the house during the redecorating and my girly wee lungs. I’m sitting here with a voice that’s dangerously close to being lost while going through different sounds from Christopher Walken to Bane and finally settling on a vague drag queen timbre. Another ten hours of near constant talking and I’d have probably been a mute for a few days and not got any sick pay from it either.

Anyhoo, now I’m trying to convince myself to do something remotely constructive. It only took me about 25 minutes to force myself to sit down and write these small words so things are looking up. Keeping myself amused is difficult, and has become considerably more so since my green stocks ran dry. I’d gotten into the habit of having a joint on most nights after getting home from work, lying monged on my bed reading or listening to music then drifting off into a nice easy sleep. It was simple, and it passed the time brilliantly. Now I’m constantly aware of each minute passing by and keeping myself amused until I eventually grow tired enough to fall asleep. Life’s longer, but not really much better.

Managed to finally get a catch up with Marsha a couple of days ago as well, between me working and her being in and out of hospital (before finally just getting her gall bladder torn out and fixing a large part of the problem) I’d not seen her or wee Babby since last year. Ended up going for a road trip into Edinburgh and experienced the delights of the one and only Krispy Kreme in Scotland. Part of me wanted to burn the place down solely due to it being a fucking drive-through doughnut shop and the ridiculously long queues to get served. Another part of me however must admit that the doughnuts are delicious, and the building should be revered for the unique abomination it is. You can tell I really want more but know I shouldn’t.

Other than that I’ve got my coffin into a halfway usable state, now only a stream of wires trailing along the floor, I’ve actually cleaned! Now I’m spending this lovely Sunday evening plucking up the courage to make the five minute car journey into the shops and see about getting myself some new specs that don’t have rust on them. Knowing my luck that’ll come right into style soon as I chuck them. Fuck it.

Back once again!

A rather belated hello to 2013, I know I’ve not been around in a while. I start a post, get distracted, leave it for days or weeks at a time then wipe the slate clean and repeat. That’s been going on since my last post. Read through the last few post I’d made dating back nearly a year, I’m treading over the same ground each time, and probably would be again today, so I’ve decided to keep the catchup as short possible…

Things wot is the same:

Still in the same job, finding an easy groove where I mostly get peace and half-consciously think about getting myself sacked so I’d need to find a new one. Same car. Same room in the same house. Same glasses. Same weight. Same mattress. Same shit haircut. Same relationship status: single, happily, but needs more shagging. Probably the same jeans. Same boots. Same cycle of getting high for a while then being sober for a while. Same procrastination and tomorrow attitude day after day. Same kind of bleak mindset.

Things wot is diff’rint:

Marsha had a baby! A beautiful little girl who popped into the planet back in October and who has had enough pictures of her appearing on Facebook every day that you could easily make one of those time-lapse videos you find plastered all over YouTube. Um… That’s the biggie I guess. Another one of my friends had a baby too, sadly not nearly as cute but as it’s a big strapping laddie you don’t want him looking like a wee poof eh? Both my little brothers have been in for operations, one due to a fractured eye socket because he picked a fight with a sink, the other for a hernia that he didn’t tell anyone about until two days before he was scheduled to get it done. And that’s about it, it’s been a miserably static few months where I haven’t done anything remotely constructive and have in many ways gotten worse in most respects. Go me!

I think that’ll be enough for now, just dipping my toe in the water and getting used to hitting the publish button and setting this shite out onto the internet again. I’m going to make a more concerted effort to not only post more here but actually do more worth posting about, not that you haven’t all heard that before. Expect moans about the public, you all love them!

Night night, sweet dreams!

Blergh. That is all.

Yeah yeah so I done it again, said I’d update more often than not bothered my arse doing so. I’ve been meaning to, but time seems to just keep on running away from me, or at least smudges into one indistinct blob well enough that I’m not able to differentiate time beyond “Work / No Work” and “Sleep / Wake Up.” That, and I’ve been so bored that I can’t even be bothered to think and have lost interest in pretty much everything. The only thing that’s managed to raise me above tepid disinterest has been Breaking Bad, and even that was fleeting and is now over until next summer. Woe is me.

Got bored with weed again too, seems to crop up every four or five months as a passing fancy then buggers of again until I take the notion to pretend that I’m a hippy and hope to have a nice wee stereotypical experience of serenity and finding inner peace or some bollocks. Even that is incapable of breaking through the boredom these days. Suppose I’d better go fully through the gateway and develop an honest heroin addiction.

Looking back at my previous few posts this seems to be a recurring theme, and one I’m getting bor- tired of. My routine is coming in from work and then sitting on a computer, but being amused by the games I used to play or websites I’d once visit. I’ve just spent £30 on more maps for a computer game (and the promise of more as well) yet haven’t been able to bring myself to actually play any of them. Facebook doesn’t hold the same kind of allure as everyone is now leading mundane lives and those I’m most interested in I’m no longer a part of. The fact that I’m typing this at all is pure chance, given that I’d bounced around a load of articles on TV Tropes (time sink if ever there was one) when I saw one about NaNoWriMo, which then of course lead me to think about writing, and rather than get up off my fat arse and pick up a pen and paper I figured it’d be easier to just type some bollocks on here instead.

I’m going to go get a drink then actually sit down and either read a book or write some proper shit. Failing that I’ll see how much music I can download, because I’ll need a backing track of course. Not even going to pretend I’m going to get myself psyched up, I’m just going to arse around till midnight then convince myself that tomorrow’s a new day. Peace.

Breaking your fast.

It begins, I suppose, with a certain distaste in the mouth. Soon, a possibly alarming raising of the heartbeat, followed by a flushing of the face quickly followed by the sensation that all blood is running out of your head and the idea that ice cubes have been placed on your cheeks. You begin to notice the flatness of your footsteps, and the way gravity makes all the matter in your arms go downwards.

Before long the air will start to move slowly over your face, and without doubt those arms you thought about earlier with resemble pendulums pulling down on your shoulders. You’ll walk up the driveway and when you go to open the gate will notice all the parts that make up the latch and wonder how on earth anyone came up with it. Maybe it was the same guy who found out how to carve the stone the steps you’re walking down. You open the back door and go to lock it behind you but the key chain somehow ended up being balanced on top of the key rather than swinging below it, a flare for anyone’s deductive abilities to pick up on. In the kitchen you’ll notice how much you love things made of wood, before being reminded of that nasty taste in the mouth you had earlier, so it’s time to fetch yourself a drink. Drink. “Driiiin-ck” What a weird fuckin’ word. There’s nothing to have but water and diluting orange, double strength of course. The water will be run for a few minutes, to make it as cold as possible. You pour the juice, dilute with water. It’s weak but there’s a definite sense that this isn’t whole. It’s water with something in it, not flavoured water. Still, it’s better than nothing. And you feel happy about that.

There’s a sitcom just started on TV, it’s about IT workers, you relate with them and feel the closest thing you can to hatred right now as a result. God damn though, every movement is simply perfection of comedy in every frame. But you can’t stay here, the an upstairs to be seen. How close the wall is in the hallway after you open the door is remarkable. It’s amazing you could even turn the corner to go upstairs. You wonder how long it took someone to invent them. Probably that guy who first carved them, you remember. For some reason you still have on all the things you wore at work, now you’ll have to dismantle yourself. You detach the lanyard with the name badge from around your neck, take out the phone, then the belt, the card and cash, then the change hanging down the bottom. The hoodie flies off next, and you notice how tight and hot you boots are, so one leg goes up on the foot bar of the bed, the laces undone and the boots pulled apart, followed by the other. You take the boots off and feel how nice it is to have your feet on a cold floor. Jeans soon followed, naturally.

You debate what you should go and enjoy the shit out of now. Bursts of creativity race through your mind, and you go decide to write a blog post, your mind outpacing your fingers tenfold, all the best words and idea screaming up before falling back into the either, what you soon realise as more mundane fare reigning supreme. There are sausages in the fridge having said that.

 

Gremlins and repeat calls.

Things have been breaking left right and centre around me over the past week, and while it started off as a fun oddity I’m getting a little bit tired and paranoid. The phones and computers at work died upon my arrival for two days in a row, on the third day within twenty minutes of starting myshift the mouse in my hand more or less disintegrated and the padding in the armrest of my chair fell off. My lovely Galaxy S2 started playing up, and only got worse once I’d called up my carrier and been told to upgrade the firmware, so now not only does it keep thinking it’s constantly charging, but it brings up an error message every couple of minutes and the battery is a fraction what it should be. My computer got a BSoD for the first time ever (though that may be down to drivers not installing correctly) and my car has a slightly more desperate sound to it on the motorway than it did a few days ago. There’s a gremlin following me about, trying to shove me back into the dark ages.

The phone has been the main thing though, I’ve rather come to rely on my fix of mobile internet. I got thinking about it, is it a sign of addiction and a modern malaise? Or is it, in a roundabout way, a nice symbol a humanity’s insatiable curiosity and inherent sociability, a need to know what’s going on in the wider world and be connected to all those we know? More than likely I just want to look at funny pictures on my lunch break. Right now I have to confess my phone isn’t particularly essential as I’m going through one of those anti-social patches where I haven’t been in contact with anyone for a while, my 5000 texts and 500 minutes going largely unused. I’m going to have to start socialising a bit just to justify my mobile contract!

Still been feeling quite shit since my last post, bored out of my mind and thinking far too much. I sat in work today, getting the third call of the day from this old man that owed more than £1,400 on his account as he kept on phoning premium rate numbers. He’d called more than forty times yesterday, and began again at eight this morning and just didn’t let up. His phone was cut off so he wanted to be transferred through to his car insurance then his bank, and through it all I was trying to convince myself that this was an entirely sane but just utterly fucking determined old cunt who wouldn’t take no for an answer and was going to use us as a switchboard even if his phone was cut off, but I couldn’t completely beleive it. For all he seemed lucid, it seemed like that was a confused elderly guy with no-one that was there to catch onto this in time. The notes on his account mentioned a daughter, and I was on the verge of asking him for her number to try and get this sorted out. Overstepping the mark by a mile it no doubt would have been, but ten straight hours this poor fucker had been calling us up and getting nowhere, I pictured him sitting in a pokey tower block forgetting what year it was. In the end though I just got the number for his bank and transferred him through, if nothing else he deserved it for sheer determination.

It got me thinking about the future though, what lies in store, how you only live once, all that bollocks. Made me shit myself looking forward, depressed looking back, and angry looking at here and now. I’m not going to pretend I had an epiphany, it just gave me a lot of nervous energy and made me unable to focus on anything in particular. But hey, least I don’t owe more than a grand to anyone!