Jack Daniels can never fuck me hard enough.

Right, straight from the off I’ll admit that at this current moment in time I’m half cut and just missed the “up” side of drinking and have slipped into the melancholy, lonely-man-hugging-booze-at-the-bar-in-the-afternoon phase of my drinking. Was at a friend of a friend’s house for a few jars, and there it was all good. It was a good atmosphere, we joked about old shit and the games we used to play, I got talking to a hot girl about her application to work at Rockstar North and everything, it was great. Even the shit that’s on my mind now was funny back then, I laughed it off and felt great and as is the way with these things it wasn’t until I was back in the taxi by myself with a bit of silence so my mind could speak up and torture me that I hit a bit of a fucking downer. The girl that’s been on my “fuck sake why was I such a dopey cunt” list and has been for a while came up into conversation. Big fall outs had happened and the usual shit and it transpired that she was into a taken guy. This pissed me off man, without so much as a bit of flirtation or particularly good looks she was still draped all over him. He’s sound as a fucking dollarpound but fuck me, the shit’s depressing you know? I hate to act like a angsty depressing cunt but when a lassie does fucking laps but never seems to see you it gets laughably bad y’know? Maybe if I was head over heels about her it’d be forgivable but to get worked up over a casual ride is downright shite.

Part of me wishes that I’d bought two bottles of whiskey instead of just the one, then I’d have been too wrecked to contemplate anything other than the vague notion of bed. Another part of me wishes that I’d fucking grow up and just start going out with a girl instead of sticking my dick in everything then bolting not long after. But I know I won’t. From the very first kiss a timer starts counting down to the moment where I convince myself that it’s went on for too long and walk away. I can’t bear the thought of wasting another five years on the one girl only for it all to go to shit and miss out on all the other experiences I could have had. At once I’m both more than willing to give love but not accept it back. I see the clock counting down and see every girls middle name along the likes of “used to” or “could’ve.” And I know that you don’t just wander across “The One” and that you have to work your way through shit relationships and work at the one you’re in at the moment, I can’t bring myself to even start. It’s not fear of abandonment or never getting anyone in the first place, in many ways it’s worse: That uncontrollable outside influences impact on something that’s fantastic and there ends up being an unstoppable decline.

There’s no-one I can really talk to about this sort of shit. Normally it’d be Marsha but in this situation we’re too similar to each other that I’d risk saying it. Not wanting to commit to someone after your last relationship lasted five years because you think the next one will inevitably go to shit too? I’m paranoid that it’d be the one tiny little seed of doubt that starts to grow in her mind and I’d feel in some way responsible for any trouble that’d happen between her and her new boyfriend, who’s really cool.

That’s me done. I’m going to go sober up, play Batman and wait until I can see all the shit that gets me down in a nice ordered clarity in my mind’s eye rather than the blurry smudge it is at the moment. Rant over.