You’re my daddy, now hear me snore.

Right this very moment, thanks to my new wonderful phone, I’m reporting live from beside a girl who snores worse than my fucking dog does, and who I have had to shake awake on more than one occasion when the snoring ominously stopped and I became paranoid that she may have stopped breathing as well. Her cat meanwhile, no doubt feeling rejected because I wouldn’t let it sit on my head, is now lying on top of my Jeans giving it’s pussy a thorough licking. I’m seriously pondering whether I’m a big enough bastard to simply sneak out and never return. Help!

Eight times I’ve had to fuck this girl tonight, putting up with her clumsy drunken fumbling and razor sharp fucking nails. Not to mention that she’s flipped from screaming daddy as we fucked to asking me if I hated her afterwards. That’s on top of the hair pulling, face slapping, hard spanking and going dry where you shouldn’t. Normally not the sort of thing I’d bring up but as I was asked to I obliged. Then came the “make me feel like I don’t want it” and I got seriously turned off. I’ll do pretty much anything, but if that’s the kind of fantasy behind it you can get yourself to fuck my dear.

Also I’d like to take a moment and mention a little bit of shagging etiquette for those not savvy in these matters: after every even numbered shag, take a fucking break to let the guy recuperate. And don’t go telling him to come then moan when he does, especially on the sixth time in little over an hour and a fucking half. I swear to fuck I was shooting out dust by the last time.  And for the love of God, don’t try to finger him as a surprise!

I’m tired, I’m cranky, I can’t sleep because she sounds like a horse drowning in syrup, I want to go home, I want a shower, I want my own bed and I really really need to fart. I’m giving it another half hour then I’m going to escape, my excuse being I had to get up early to help my uncle with a car boot sale. Failing that I’m just going to swing her cat about by the tail until she politely asks that I leave.